1. Going forward – In future I would like you to do the opposite of the thing that you did in this particular instance.
2. Drill-down – Let’s look at exactly how badly this task was carried out.
3. End of play – send the information after the client has left for the day – they will believe we are going the “extra mile” and “adding value”. It will also put off the angry response until tomorrow.
4. Touch base – email them – make it short as well. This will create the illusion that we care about how we communicate with our clients or candidates
5. It’s on my radar – I’ve ticked something that has created a red flag next to it in Outlook. I will point at this every time you ask me whether I’m “actioning” this task in a “time bound” fashion.
6. No brainer – I’m calling you stupid in a passive-aggressive way for even considering saying no to this.
7. Best of breed – I’m comparing what I do to a competition for well-groomed canines. If this doesn’t de-value the service I offer then nothing will.
8. Low hanging fruit – people to whom I can sell solely on cost. My pipeline is full of these types; it boosts my confidence no-end but will do nothing at all for my actual billing target.
9. Reach out – see “Touch Base”. In addition I will half-heartedly send them an un-personalised Add on Linked In.
10. Dive deeper – I will attempt to undertake “desk research” with regard to this problem by following a “thought leader” on Twitter.
11. Think outside the box – Add the phrase “big data” to any email I write on this topic.
12. Positive momentum – I will dive deeper as much as is possible. I may even use some “core selling time” to follow some new “thought leaders” on Linked In.
13. On my plate – Do you not know how many people I need to carelessly follow on Twitter? Please leave me alone.
14. At the end of the day – A phrase I will use to preface a conversation that requires a parachute to get out of.
15. Run the numbers – Can you give me 30 minutes? I need to find an infographic on Mashable that proves the dwindling logic of the argument I’m trying to make
16. Touch points –
17. Keep your eye on the ball – please don’t mess up as badly as you have just done. It’s making me look bad in management meetings and at times my sole purpose in life is to stop that from happening.
18. Back to the drawing board – Yep, we screwed the pooch pretty bad on this one. Let’s get back into a meeting room and write “social media” on a white board a few times.
19. Get the ball rolling – Someone needs to write “social media” on a white board really quickly; a Director might walk into this meeting room unannounced.
20. Bang for your buck – this service or product needs to deliver the bare minimum
21. Close the deal – will someone just get a yes out of these people?
22. When the rubber hits the road – the statement I’m about to make isn’t particularly exciting and I’ve used “at the end of the day” a few too many times in this presentation.
23. Shift paradigm – we need to use the phrase “big data” a few more times.
24. Move the needle – We need to do something to this pitch to raise at least a modicum of excitement in the reader – how about we use Comic Sans or use a .GIF or a funny video of a Japanese Cat?
25. Game-changing – let’s use Facebook even though it’s patently wrong for the audience.
26. Move the goal post – we’ve didn’t read the RFP properly; we need to write something new before “close of play”.
27. Value added – we’re going to need to work for free.
28. Win-win – both parties feel a little like they’ve lost a bit of their soul as a consequence of this business transaction.
29. Across the piece – someone needs to write “social media” in big red letters across this entire presentation.
30. All hands on deck – we’ve messed up bad – no-one’s leaving till this proposal has been entirely changed to Comic Sans. I’ll find a Cat .GIF. That’s a sure Win-Win